One Year Ago Today……..{a post on fear}

One year ago today, I laid in pre-op awaiting  plastic surgery.  And I was afraid.  I was more afraid than I have ever been in my life. In fact, I didn’t let myself fully realize the magnitude of my fear until  it was over.

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 I laid in pre-op,  trying to keep the fear in check, but mostly wishing that I could take it all back, that I would never have made this decision, that I just would have stayed comfortable in my discomfort.  You see, the extra skin {from having lost 100 pounds} WAS a constant discomfort in my life, but on that day, the day of my surgery,  it would have been more comfortable to just be at home. Making breakfast for my kids. Teaching them spelling. Doing the laundry. Just doing all the things that are so comfortable for me.

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As I waited in that hospital bed I could think of 100 different things I would rather be doing and 100 reasons why my having plastic surgery was completely insane. I can honestly say that if there was any way I could have taken it back,  I would have left the hospital, and stayed comfortable in my discomfort.  Fortunately,  I had fought past my fear just long enough for there to be no going back.  I still, even to this day a whole year later, can’t believe that I went through with it. I can’t believe that I pushed through  fear that for me, was almost crippling.

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I am no stranger to crippling fear. In the past I had very much let my life be defined by fear……

fear of failure,

fear of my ineptitude,

fear of being laughed at,

fear of being the “stupidest” and “fattest” thing that people had ever encountered.

Yes, this was indeed my inner monologue.  This is how I thought, and as a result, how I lived in my teens and early- mid twenties. Fear has robbed me of A LOT over the course of my life. I wish I could tell you that the cycle is broken, but even to this day, I know that fear sometimes keeps me in a cage of my own making.  I don’t tell you all of this because I feel sorry, or because I spend my time looking back thinking, “what if……”

Not at all.  I believe very strongly that God has been with me every step of the way, that He has grown me in His time, and that He will use everything that I’ve been through, {including each and every state of mind} for His glory in His time.

I DO tell you all of this to say: one year later, I am SO thankful that I set the fear aside to grab a hold of something that I knew I wanted, something that I knew would change my life in many ways. I set the fear aside and looked at the bigger picture.

Presently,  I am at another place where I desperately need to set the fear aside and grab a hold of the bigger picture. I’m being a chicken and I know I am, but my old habit of choosing to remain comfortable keeps rearing it’s ugly head.  Instead of choosing to trust the One I know has me in His care, I am making lists of all the many ways moving in this new direction won’t work.

Right now, staring down the barrel of more changes and discomfort, I have been choosing fear…..

…..which seems silly as I celebrate the anniversary of one of the best difficult decisions I have ever made.

{{Come back next week for more about this new direction of whence I speak}}

Has fear ever been an issue in your life? Are you in the habit of doing things afraid, or like me, can you point to times in your life when you know you chose fear?  I know this is a toughy, but I DID tell you that in my inner monologue I use phrases like ‘fattest’ and ‘stupidest’ so SURELY you could share a little something…….

XO, Sara 

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Comments

  1. wow…what a courageous post and a courageous act. Not only did you lose 100 pounds {which in and of itself is a huge accomplishment}, but you chose elective surgery to make your life better and to finalize that accomplishment. Posts like this are what writing is all about. Getting to the truth of the matter, opening up and revealing yourself + hard situations to the world.
    I have had my share of fear-installed-moments…most notably was when my mom had cancer a few years back. the hardest nine months of my life. everyday was filled with fear that i had to push aside in order to take care of her, get her to the hospital, go to work, go to school, and try to take care of myself. fear is one of the hardest feelings to cope with, but if you can, you will only come out stronger.
    Bravo, Sara…

    • Thank you for your encouraging words Kristen!

      I think the thing I love most about writing these posts is what I get to learn about my readers. I LOVE when we are able to share with one another our own experiences.

      I can only imagine the courage it took to get through that time with your mom. I’m sure you would say now that that particular time built strength and character in you like nothing ever had before. Thank you so much for sharing, Kristen. XO

  2. Everyday I give in to fear just a little. I have what seems like an enormous amount of worry and anxiety but I take each day and situation as it comes. Like today, I have to attend a lunch meeting and while I rather not, I’m still going because I don’t let anxiety run my life. I try my best to run “it” and kick it to the curb. With a daily pep talk and possibly more than one a day, I get by just like everyone else. We all manage. 🙂

    • I suppose that you hit the nail on the head when you said that we all survive. It is innate in us as humans to survive whatever it is we have to go through in our lives, but isn’t it such a gift when we are able to share with one another those experiences?
      Thanks so much for your heartfelt comment, Amanda!

  3. Christina P says:

    I am not sure how much of a role fear plays in my life. I sit here pondering if fear has stopped me from doing anything and while I can’t come up with anything at the moment my mind segues to your inner monologue moment. Is it not horrible that we are all our harshest critic. I am a big offender of it, first one to make a joke about the fat girl in the room (aka me), last one to say something truly positive about myself. Back to fear now….I guess I have let fear rule one aspect of my life, my weight. I’m too afraid to try and loose it and end up failing that I just don’t try. Not that I am unhappy with the way I look but I am unhappy by the looks I get for being my size, the stares of judgement. If I just don’t try then I can’t fail. I very much fear failure.

    • Oh, Christina, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about, EXACTLY, when you say that if you don’t try to lose weight, then you can’t fail. I want you to know that I will be praying for you in this area. Thank you so much for opening up. I know that other women will be blessed by your openness. XX

  4. Still so proud of you. You had a healthy attitude going in and did it for all the right reasons. Fear equals bondage to something….

    • awww, this gave me the warm and fuzzies. Next time I see you, I’ll give you a hug……unless the warm n’ fuzzies have worn off by then. Yeah, you’re right, maybe I just oughta give you a mental hug right now and we’ll call it good.

  5. You are amazing, always amazing. I am so thankful to have you for a sister. Nobody who knows you would ever guess that you have ever been afraid. Go get em’ tiger!!!

  6. That is a toughy. I felt fear on the pre-op table last week. Not for the same reasons as you, perhaps, but I would have given anything to be back in the comforts of home. And even though it was outpatient surgery, it was only my second time and I was afraid. Afraid I wouldn’t wake up, afraid of the loss of control – of turning myself over to my doctor and staff. My daughter wrote a lovely post about facing fears, which she is doing on a daily basis because she is working to manager her anxieties and ocd. I am learning from her that it takes great courage, but it helps you in the long run. The best way for me to deal with fear is not dwell on it too long and just do what I’m fearing. I have been gently encouraging my son to accept that he is afraid to ask the neighbor boy to play. But to encourage him to just do it. Once he does he is so glad, but he is afraid he will be embarrassed. It’s so sad to see it, but I can’t force him. So I usually pump him up and tell him to go right over. Fear just preys on our mind….and the more we let it the worse the fear becomes…

    • Dear Jane,
      Those are such wise words about not dwelling on fear. I suppose that IS the key to living life in spite of fear.
      How very much I love, admire, and respect you. You are such an amazing example of a wife and mom, and just all around wise woman. I am keeping your daughter & family in prayer during this season. XO

  7. Not too many years go I had a serious weight problem. I didn’t see myself for what I’d done to myself; taking care of my girls, husband, house, and everything else that needed me. But I forgot to take care of “ME”. One day I hit the proverbial wall and made the choice to change. I lost a lot of weight but have slipped back a little bit. I need to return to that day that I said “Enough Diana”! I think it’s true that you have to learn to “walk” before you can “run”…I’m back to walking again. We all have fears of some sort but that doesn’t make us weak. It gives us the opportunity to move beyond it. God doesn’t want us to be comfortable. We can’t grow if we become complacent and not experience His new plan for us. You are already brave. I’m praying that you will have continue strength. I’m anxious to hear what your next changes are going to be. Stand Strong Sara!

    • Thank you for being so open about your weight struggles, Diana. And I am SO glad to hear you are back to walking. When I have gone through times of discouragement with weight gained back {which, by the way, has happened to me MANY times on this journey}, I just try to remind myself that more than losing the extra weight, my deeper goal is just to live an all around healthier lifestyle. That has always helped me to keep going even in the face of having slipped backward a little bit.
      Those are such wise words about growth vs. complacency…..But, why, oh why, does this growth business have to be so much more exhausting?! 😀 XO

  8. Hey Sis—you are sooo brave!!!!! I hate to admit it but i was that fearful that day as well—love you

  9. I’m constantly afraid that I’m not good enough to be running the business I’m running. Two+ years in and I’m only now starting to see a bit of the butterfly that I can be. I’m not a formally trained designer and I’m not a perfect Christian, but He still gave me a passion to design stuff for Him. So I just hold onto that and keep moving forward, little by little.

    Thanks for sharing your story. Can’t wait to see what’s coming up for you!

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