a moment out of nowhere

I had a “moment” last week.  You know, one of those moments that catch you completely off guard and leave you thinking, {where did that come from?}

Yeah. One of those.

I  saw a woman my age in the salon, nursing her 9 month old underneath her cape as she got her hair done.  I caught of glimpse of her in the mirror behind me and watched as I could see a plump little 9-month-old hand sneak up under the cape to find her face.  While he nursed, he played with his mama’s face……

and before I knew what was happening, a well of emotions rose in me to the point of tears.  

a mixture of emotions and thoughts that seemed to roll in all at once like a huge tidal wave….

{I remember my kids playing with my face as they nursed and the utter contentment and peace and “rightness” I felt. how did I get here? as my baby is turning 7…….how did I get here..I’m really done having babies. I am, aren’t I? I have KIDS, not babies. How did I get here?}

and more than anything, I felt something I very rarely ever feel about my life:
I wanted to go back.
I wanted to go back to a time in my life when my role was so clear.  Love them, feed them, clothe them, teach them right from wrong, and let them know there’s a creator that loves them beyond measure.  I could do that. As challenging as some days may have been. It was a simple time, and a precious time. In retrospect, it was a fleeting time. 

But, it was a simple time.

Because I don’t let things like that go and because I have told you before that I am a thinker, a ponderer if you will, I have  been thinking about it since it happened and what was at the root of it.

I think this “moment” of mine happened as a result of a culmination of many thoughts and feelings that I have let run rampant and go unchecked lately.  I’ll be completely honest.

I feel very much like I’m in over my head.

Sometimes I’ll be in my home, looking around at  the dishes, the laundry, the decor, the kids’ school books,  and just think {I’m the mom? I’m responsible for all this? I’m supposed to keep all this together? I’M the grown up?}  

Panic.

I’m ill equipped………at best.

Even more prevalent are the times when I look at my kids……….
at the beauty and wonder and perfection of their creation,
at their unique gifts and their boundless potential…….
and  feel like  there’s been a mistake.

{I cannot possible be the right person for the job.  The responsibility of raising three amazing people is too high of a calling.  There is no way I can do this right.}

I’m completely overwhelmed.

In letting these feelings go unchecked, and in looking at the past through rose colored glasses, I have proven that I have forgotten what it is that helped me  through the first 11 years of parenting…….

and that is,

acknowledgement that I AM in over my head
and that
there is no way that I CAN do this right,
not on my own.
I need to rely on my Father God for wisdom, strength, and patience minute by minute for the every day challenges of being a mom of kids this age.

This seemingly out of nowhere “moment”, believe it or not,  really boiled down to one thing: I have been doing too much on my own. I have grown independent. I have forgotten to seek Him for all my needs.

The beauty in this revelation?  I can ask Him now.

Ever have a moment, that at first seemed to be something out of nowhere , but upon a little introspection you were able to pinpoint EXACTLY from whence it came? Or perhaps you are up against something right now and you know that in your own strength and in your own wisdom you are in over your head.  You know me…….I LOVE to hear.

….if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.  James 1:5

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Comments

  1. Awesome post! I think it is good to check where those “moments” come from!

  2. Sara, I love you. No really. You are so open and honest with your life and your feelings. I’m dysfunctional so always overwhelmed. I also know that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. God made us that way so our children would be unique, otherwise they would all be the same, like little robots. Also remember, the shortest days are the hardest, especially up in NY state.

  3. Awesome heart today and definitely what a lot of us feel and some of us get pushed over the edge with. Keeping our focus on God and seeking His help is what will get us through. :O)

  4. A beautiful post. Life comes along and suddenly you realize you are raising kids when you still feel like one yourself! I am glad you have strength of faith because you will need it. I felt like I went through a seismic shift during the teen years. And it’s not all “bad.” But it is challenging. Even the schedule was a transition – and the lack of planning. I realize, now, that my life was more ordered when the kids were babies! Not always calm, but there was more control…and we were always home together. There have been some rough patches but many wonderful times in this journey.

  5. Aw, I love this. I’m a newlywed and have never been in much of a rush to have kids, but I know that when they come it will be the perfect time. I see so many young families these days, and I can just picture my husband and I creating the most fun moments with our little ones! Thank you for the verse too. I’m sure there will be many a “oh my gosh” moment when I reach the point of motherhood!

    Kristina
    Something 2 Write About

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