My 300 Pound Mind

I have mentioned before that I spent most of my life as an obese woman.  I registered obese on the “charts” for as far back as I can remember. I was always a big girl. Always the biggest one in my circle of friends.  But I wasn’t really BIG, BIG until after I had my first baby.  I was tipping the scales at almost 300 pounds. I remember that when my daughter was a newborn I had absolutely nothing to wear that fit me, so I ran into a store and grabbed a women’s size 26 bottom, thinking to myself, “I’ll be swimming in these.”………….. 

This is me after I had my second baby & after I had lost some of the weight

Nope. They were too small.  That was 11 years ago and since that time I have been on a journey of eating better and exercising.  A journey of walking with God, letting Him help me heal from the inside out. Allowing Him to show me how I was using food to stuff down the emotions I was so determined to pretend weren’t there. 
Ok, so…….now.
I’m much thinner. I’m still overweight, but a very fit 190 at 5 ft 8 inches with plenty of muscle.
I still am big.
I exercise like it’s my job and am very careful about what I eat.
But on most days, in my mind, in what my friend calls my “300 pound mind”, I’m still the girl in the picture above. 
I spend most of the time FEELing very fat.  I am constantly readjusting my clothes and tucking myself {the rolls of fat that I can FEEL in my mind} into my clothes.  I really can’t look in a full length mirror without focusing on what I consider to be the problem areas.  I always FEEL like the biggest girl in the room.
I literally  FEEL fat all the time. In fact, I FEEL fatter now than I did when I was heavier.  All of this FEELing fat leads me to be very self conscious most of the time. So much so that sometimes I FEEL like I shouldn’t even be going out in public……{yes, really}
And yes, I am fully aware of how crazy this may seem……

My inner monologue:  Don’t take my picture because I’ll hate how it comes out

I have been very careful to emphasize that this is how I FEEL.  While I know that I cannot ignore {stuff down with food} my feelings,  and while I acknowledge that in my mind these things FEEL very real, I also know that I cannot be ruled by these FEELings.

How I live:

~I remind myself who I am: A daughter of the Most High God. I am valued and I am loved. I am cherished and I am adored.  My worth is far above rubies and would continue to be even if I still looked like the girl in the picture.

~I throw my shoulders back, I lift up my countenance and carry myself as a daughter of the Most High. Even though my feelings make me want to slump my shoulders and hide in the nearest corner, I ignore them because they are not in keeping with what I know to be true.

~I stopped being ashamed. I am big and I am strong. I fight hard just to be a size 12.   I believe that God has a purpose for me, even in this crazy struggle of mine.

~I don’t look in full length mirrors. I don’t look because I know that at this stage in my life I can’t see what’s actually there. I don’t look because I won’t see the truth.

~I ignore the feelings. I have acknowledged them. I have compared them with the truth and found them to be false and now I ignore them. I would even go so far as to say that they are fading. The more I ignore them and remind myself of the truth, the more they fade.

I know that many of you may not have this particular struggle, and that for you struggling with self image in this manner seems like an utter waste of time and energy …………To you, I would say: “I know. I think so, too”

But I would also tell you,”I’m walking with Him day by day and He’s not finished with me yet.” and in another 10 years who KNOWS what He will do…..

Is my struggle one you can identify with? Or Is there an area in your life where you know that your feelings don’t line up with the truth? 

You learned Christ! My assumption is that you have paid careful attention to him, been well instructed in the truth precisely as we have it in Jesus. Since, then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything—and I do mean everything—connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life—a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you. Ephesians 4:22-24
                                                                                   {The Message}

This post is in response to a challenge by Liv Lane {Choosing Beauty} for bloggers to be brave and authentic in their blogging. Link up!

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Comments

  1. I’ve struggled with the same feelings my entire life, after a mother that liked to point out I was her “fatter child.” Your post was very well written. You look buff, so keep up the great work!

  2. Take it from someone who is dying to lose weight and look amazing like you! YOU ARE SO INSPIRING AND LOOK AMAZING! Just tell yourself that next time you come face to face with a full lenght mirror 🙂 Thanks for sharing!!!

  3. thumbs up keep it up!

  4. you look FABULOUS. And I am in a similar boat you were in 11 years ago. I know itll get better, you are a true inspiration!!

  5. Sara! I love, love, love this post. And I identify with so much of what you have written. A year ago I finished losing 120lbs myself – and have kept all but 10 of it off. It is HARD work. Trying to get that 10 back off as well. I fight hard for my size too. You are beautiful, and and God does have a plan for you – I know I couldn’t have lost the weight without His help, and strength in the first place (his power is made great in my weakness, right?)!

  6. You are BEAUTIFUL – inside and out! The Good Lord always knows what He’s doing! Keep up the good work!

  7. wow, thank you so much for sharing that. i am sorry that you struggle with your image, but i think a lot of women do. but girl you are gorgeous just the way you are! God will help you get thru it all! Keep praying to him!

  8. I read your post to my Mum. She has always struggled with her weight being a whopping 25 stone (350lbs)approx at her heaviest! She is now a size 14/16 but still thinks herself fat! Very fat not a little fat! She really appreciated you sharing this and knowing she’s not alone in feeling this way. She still hopes to lose more but she has 2 things to keep her going… the first is to make sure she looks good. She always wears nice clothes that are flattering and pretty and 2 she has me reminding her that she has lost MASSES and has done great! She also has health limitations and isn’t able to exercise much.

    I also have weight issues! When I was a size 14 (UK size) I thought I was fat! Now having gone up to a size 22 at my largest I would love to be a size 14 and look in the mirror and go I look good! If I can get to a size 12 that would be the best but I think I’ll be happy to get to that size 14! only one size to go. Like my mum I have health issues which make losing weight harder (ME affects exercise and depression that makes it hard not eating bad things when I’m feeling low)

    It is hard isn’t it not to be critical of ourselves? I am very critical of myself in all areas of my life and find it hard when mum tells me she thinks I’ve lost weight…I never think so! But I am able to measure by dress size and as long as I can still get in my size 16 for now then thats ok.

    I do hope you find a way of being able to look at yourself kindly and triumphantly in the future! You have done so well to lose all that weight and to work so hard at it! Celebrate that! I am so glad that God is guiding you through and that even if you can’t celebrate it now you will when His timing is right! But you will! I know it!

    Hugs Teri xxx

  9. Sara, I think that you are beautiful in the pic with your babies and the newer pics. You are a beautiful woman.
    Funny how hard we are on ourselves. Recently I was chatting with a group of women and one of them was saying she would gladly trade her skinny body for the chance to enjoy food.
    She had a health problem, lost quite a bit of weight and is skinny but she says she can’t eat or enjoy any food, has problems swallowing.
    ~debbra (BBTL classmate)

  10. I’ve struggled with weight issues my whole life too. I want to thank you for your story. You look AMAZING, and thanks for sharing!!!

    God Bless!!

  11. I can so understand how you’re feeling. While I was never actually overweight, I spent a big chunk of my life struggling with bulimia. I never saw the same person in the mirror that others saw – I saw every flaw instead. It took a lot of time and prayer, as well as what I think of as a miraculous healing of my mind from the Lord, for me to finally allow myself to just be who he created me to be, and be happy with that. Thanks for being brave and sharing your story!

  12. WOlf whistle!! Look at that HOT MAMA! Dang, Sara, you are a hottie!

    Sara, you are so beautiful, both inside and out. Good on you for taking control of all of this in ways that you know you can work, and for setting yourself up for success by knowing your own mind. The most important component is your inner strength and all of the things that give you that inner strength. You’re doing awesome lady, despite that 300 pound mind. Keep at it and it will become a weightless mind.
    xo,
    Andrea

  13. You are a beautiful and brave woman!
    Big Hugs,
    Som

  14. “I’m walking with Him day by day and He’s not finished with me yet…. and in another 10 years who KNOWS what He will do” Sara, I love your bravery and inspirational words. God does have a purpose for you. I can relate to having feelings that would waylay me because they didn’t line up with His Truth. After having 5 kids, body image has definitely been a struggle. Have you read Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge? It’s become one of my favorite books. Thanks for sharing – you are beautiful in every way.

  15. Love you so much now, as is…….. and who you will become one day too. :O)

  16. This is a beautiful post, Sara. Than you for sharing this and putting so succinctly what I think all women (well I know I do) feel so often. You’re a beautiful person–inside and out. 🙂

  17. I think you are gorgeous. I love the way you write. You are super talented. You have the whole package sister girl!! Happy to have met you through Kim’s blog. Keep doing what you are doing, you are an amazing testimony and wow such an example. Super impressed by you.

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