I’ll be completely honest, I’ve been hiding from blogging.
Evidenced by my long absence…..Yes, I’ve been busier than usual but it’s been more than that.
I’m a perfectionist, you see. (I like to consider myself a “recovering” perfectionist.) I am not talking about merely striving for excellence. I’m talking about PERFECTionism……..holding myself to standards that no one could live up to. Standards that God would never think of holding me to because HE knows me, my limits, my frailties, and HE loves me far too much to EVER ask of me what I ask of myself.
What happens when I cannot live up to the expectations I set for myself?
I abuse myself mentally, emotionally……..
I build up an ever-growing list of all the things I do wrong……
A mental tally of all the ways I fall short …….a million ways I disappoint , minute by minute…
Day by day.
And then, before I know it, I am paralyzed. I don’t know what to do, what to say, what to strive for because no matter which way I turn I know I won’t do or say it right.
And so it is with this blog and the series of posts I have started. I only ever wanted to tell you about a girl forever changed by knowing her Jesus…….to tell you about a sea of forgivenesses for her past, an ocean of healing that crashes behind …….
But recently my perfectionism has gotten the best of me. I have felt so in error in so many areas of my life, what could I possibly have to tell you? Who am I to tell you anything? I wanted to start “doing better” before I could come here and talk more about my savior……..
And then, God cuts through the muddled mess in my mind with the Truth. And I realize that I’m who I’ve always been:
I AM just a girl with a sea of forgivenesses for her past behind her……..
an ocean of emotional healing trailing behind her……
with a sea of more forgiveness ahead of her for her future……
and an ocean of emotional healing crashing on the shores that lie ahead.
And now that I remember who I am, I know what I can tell you.
The most awesome thing of all.
I am beset with frailties and shortcomings and flaws and struggles
HE loves me.
HE loved me first.
HE loves me best.
He knows my innermost EVERYTHING and HE loves me.
God never builds the list of all the ways I go wrong.
HE never keeps tabs on all the things I could do better.
That’s all me.
There is nothing I can do to make myself more acceptable
or any more loved.
HE doesn’t love me because of anything I have, can, or will do.
HE loves me because that’s who HE is. LOVE.
If that’s not awesome, then nothing is………