My Perfectionism

I’ll be completely honest, I’ve been hiding from blogging.

SHOCKER!?!
Evidenced by my long absence…..Yes, I’ve been busier than usual but it’s been more than that.

I’m a perfectionist, you see.  (I like to consider myself a “recovering” perfectionist.) I am not talking about merely striving for excellence. I’m talking about PERFECTionism……..holding myself to standards that no one could live up to. Standards that God would never think of holding me to because HE knows me, my limits, my frailties, and HE loves me far too much to EVER ask of me what I ask of myself.

What happens when I cannot live up to the expectations I set for myself?

I abuse myself mentally, emotionally……..
I build up an ever-growing list of all the things I do wrong……
A mental tally of all the ways I fall short …….a million ways I disappoint , minute by minute…
Day by day.

And then, before I know it, I am paralyzed. I don’t know what to do, what to say, what to strive for because no matter which way I turn I know I won’t do or say it right.

And so it is with this blog and the series of posts I have started.  I only ever wanted to tell you about  a girl forever changed by knowing her Jesus…….to tell you about  a sea of forgivenesses for her past, an ocean of healing that crashes behind …….

But recently my perfectionism has gotten the best of me. I have felt so in error in so many areas of my life, what could I possibly have to tell you?   Who am I to tell you anything? I wanted to start “doing better” before I could come here and talk more about my savior……..

And then, God cuts through the muddled mess in my mind with the Truth. And I realize that I’m who I’ve always been:

I AM just a girl with a sea of forgivenesses for her past behind her……..
an ocean of emotional healing trailing behind her……

AND
 a girl

with a sea of more forgiveness ahead of her for her future……
and an ocean of emotional healing crashing on the shores that lie ahead.

And now that I remember who I am,  I know what I can tell you.
The most awesome thing of all.

I am beset with frailties and shortcomings and flaws and struggles
and
HE loves me.
HE loved me first.
HE loves me best.
He knows my innermost EVERYTHING and HE loves me.

God never builds the list of all the ways I go wrong.
I do.
HE never keeps tabs on all the things I could do better. 
That’s all me.
There is nothing I can do to make myself more acceptable
or any more loved.
HE doesn’t love me because of anything I have, can, or will do.
HE loves me because that’s who HE is. LOVE.

If that’s not awesome, then nothing is………

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Comments

  1. Oh sweet Sara…what I love most about this post is that you are just. like. me. Isn’t it amazing to know that in His mercy, He gave us kindred spirits in the world? People who read about who we are and love us even more because…we get it 100%.
    YOU are awesome…not just because you are you, but because you are willing to let who you are reach out to like-minded women who also feel trapped by their own imperfectins. Keep doing what you do…
    I love you, girlie!!

  2. Thank you for stepping out and sharing your innermost again with us. I know this post will speak to so many. My imperfect perfect friend. :O)

  3. oh my sis !!! how i love you —he is making you soooo perfect over HIS time—it is very wonderful to see—love you my first born gift
    momma

  4. Sara, you *are* awesome, my friend. I too, struggle with not feeling good enough. Always have. A first born thing, perhaps?

    Whatever the reason, Jesus fills all those gaps and I’m ever so grateful, just like you.

    Glad we’re sisters in Him, not just crafty friends! Hugs!

    Sarah

  5. Yes, that is awesome. I know what it’s like to be hard on myself… I love how you made it through that with the realization that it’s you putting that stress on your shoulders. I’ve learned that creative people are normally perfectionists; it’s one of the things that makes us successful and it’s one of our biggest flaws because it can hold us back. Try to keep everything you realized here at the forefront of your mind because every once in awhile you’ll slip. This is a beautiful post written by a beautiful person. Thanks for sharing.

  6. Sara, such honesty and truth in this post. You know what? Those are great Thanksgiving thoughts!

  7. Amen. I think you know you are not alone in your feelings. My Bible study co-leader recently said after a number of fumbles on both of our behalfs ‘Well, I can’t remember, you can’t count, and yet, God can use us anyways- He’s so awesome!”
    God uses us our imperfections. After all- who wants to listen to the perfect girl who has it all together?! Not me. 🙂
    Love you!

  8. Wow…I am a bit speechless….for I am the exact same way. To the point where I had a total mental breakdown….I won’t go on and on about all of that….but this touched me tremendously. I think that is why I make all of my items *imperfect* and why I adore such tattered and worn vintage items…..because I have come to love things NOT PERFECT! I think you rock! And writing this….well, you are my hero! Have a fantastic holiday hon!
    Love ya!
    Courtney aka ME!

  9. We are a lot alike 🙂

    Thank you for sharing, Sara.

  10. I have also had these struggles and recently completed a bible study titled “Me, Myself and Lies” by Jennifer Rothschild. Something you may want to check out. I know I will be revisiting this study for days, months and years to come.

  11. Sara,
    so many of us struggle with this need to be perfect and perfect for who? Each other? God doesn’t expect perfection He knows it’s not attainable. Our families those who know us best know we aren’t perfect, we prove that to them daily. Let it go…daily,hourly, minute by minute if need be.
    Thanks for being honest and sharing those things that we have in common even though they aren’t pleasant to look at!
    love ya friend
    Natalie
    http://www.paperflora2@blogspot.com

  12. Wow…what a wonderful post, full of truth! I found your blog because of your shabby apple giveaway, but I wanted to read more because I noticed the verse in your header. Well, I’m glad I did read more because you and I are alike in so many ways! I do the same “hiding” thing, not only from blogging but also from my friends. Thank you for this reminder that God doesn’t keep a list of our imperfections. Only WE do that to ourselves.

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